Go back to the beginning...

Lately I realize how easy it is to get caught up in one's own thoughts, concepts, emotions and just life in general without taking the time to stop and reflect on the reason behind it all, the true meaning of one's life. I guess sometimes life just takes its toll on you and you're so busy trying to keep up with it and not be left behind that you forget to find the reason why you're running, where it is that you're trying to arrive at, and easily lose sight of the goal. My goal is to please my Lord. My goal is to bring a smile to my Lord's face. I want Him to one day be able to look at me and say, "Good and faithful slave, you were faithful over a few things, I will set you over many things. Enter into the joy of your Master." I want to enter into the joy of my Master! I want to get to this point. I want to arrive at to the point where it really is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. This is my goal. And now that I have been reminded of what I'm really here for I just ask the Lord to continue to remind me daily that each thing that I'm doing, saying, thinking, every little detail, is for the ultimate goal that He may fully grow in me unto maturity. I constantly need to be reminded of this.

It's almost like my mind works overtime all the time, even when I'm sleeping. It's always going on about the present, the past and the future. It's never at rest. It's never peaceful; it's always going. I look back and the only times where I can say I truly found rest are those times when I was fully in the Holy of Holies, in the Lord's presence. God gives me peace. But whenever I'm not fully in His presence and I'm freaking out about this thing that I have to get done, or that place I have to go to, or that person I have to call, all the peace leaves and my mind continues in its old routine. Even right now I honestly say that at the back of mind I cannot forget the fact that I have so much reading to do for tomorrow and that I haven't even started. I don't mind being occupied, in fact I like it, but sometimes it becomes so overwhelming, and my anxiety just separates me from the Lord more and more unless I turn back and cast it on Him, which He welcomely takes upon Himself. So in the midst of my confusion and time of complete helplessness because I feel like I have no control over anything and when I do I haven't a clue what to do with it, Jesus just reminds me that He's in control. He's taking care of everything. He's watching over me and all that I do, carefully arranging all things that He may have the glory as His purpose is slowly accomplished in me.

I can't say that I'm no longer confused. And I also cannot say that I know exactly how I should behave, or what I should do, or how things should be. And I absolutely cannot say I know exactly what the Lord is doing, or what He's seeking from me or through me in these particular situations I find myself in at the moment. I don't know. And although I know I'm bound to bounce back in a little while and start questioning all that is happening, I'm happy knowing that that I don't know at the moment. I'm happy also knowing that I have saints around who as soon as I start drifting into my anxiety and doubts again won't hesitate to remind me of God's mercy in my life through His working in me by means of my environment and my inward situations. In a nutshell, I say it's okay not to know. It's okay to not understand. Honestly, if I don't even understand myself how is it that I expect to understand my situations or even God's ways? I can't. He works in ways that are incomprehensible to the human mind. His sovereignty surpasses every man's understanding. I'm always impressed by this. The verse in which the Lord says "My ways are higher than your ways, And My thoughts higher than your thoughts" always blows my mind. I can't understand, yet that is okay because God doesn't want me to understand; He just wants me to believe. Believe that He will take care of all. Although I can't understand why I feel the way I feel, why I think the way I think, I can't even understand some of the things I do, He says "It's okay. Don't worry about it, just use my blood and trust in Me. I know what I'm doing." He understands my heart. He knows me better than I know myself; trust me, wayyyy better. Yet although He sees all my failures and corruption in my heart, He is still willing to work and do true miracles in me. Many people say, "Where are the miracles of your God if He's so real?" I say, "look at me." Look at what He's doing in each one of us. Isn't that a miracle? That a person such as myself can be transformed little by little into the image and likeness of His Son? If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is.

So as Kiran and I embark in this journey, leading us to unknown places and unknown people in a certainly unknown path, I thank my God. I thank Him for the privilege of placing my life in His hands and learning to trust in Him. "I know not what awaits me, God kindly veils my eyes...So on I go not knowing, I would not if I might, I'd rather walk in the dark with God than walk alone in the light; I'd rather walk by faith with Him than go alone by sight." The Lord is calling us all to blindly follow Him. Leading up to my current situation the Lord has said "go back to the beginning", and I am. I'm going back to the beginning where I first found rest and peace and joy and reality: through faith in Jesus Christ. And as I learn to walk by faith I know that whatever may lay ahead He has planed, and what He plans is certainly the best.
-Cindy