Getting to know the Lord and learning to hear His voice

It's been a while...the truth is it's really hard sometimes to actually express what's going on inside of you on paper...or in this case online. The Lord's ways of working are so mysterious that many times you can't even sense it or acknowledge it, and when you do it's so subtle that it's almost unexplainable. It's funny because truthfully I have realized during these past few weeks that only those who have actually experienced certain struggles or different things as a Christian are the only ones really able to understand where you are coming from. Not that everyone else doesn't try to or doesn't care to, they do, but you can tell by looking at them that they can't fully understand your feelings, your fears, your struggle, your joy, your peace or your decision-making, no matter how hard they try.

I've come to realize how important fellowship among the saints is, whether "good" or "bad", whether it's encouraging or not so much, whether it seems to be very spiritual or not even too spiritual, maybe just practical, but regardless it's so important in our Christian life. We can't live without the Body of Christ; we will not survive as Christians even if we are doing everything else right. It reminds me of that verse and hymn that says, "I live if you stand firm in the Lord, you live if I stand firm in the Lord. My going on is for you, your going on is for me; not separate entities, I need you saints desperately." I do need you saints desperately. Now having said that, I'm also beginning to experience the importance of things that are just between you and the Lord. I don't know why but there is one particular thing that I've felt the Lord kind of constrain me to keep between to two of us...it's kind of funny because I don't really know why, but I know there must be a reason for it and so that's the way it will be then (by His grace). Honestly, I've kind of struggled with it; I've struggled to not share it with the sisters I'm most close to in fellowship (I guess that's my natural self), but every time I'm about to say something I get the same feeling to not share it. Who knows what the Lord is planning? All i know is that it never fails to be perfect according to His plan; maybe not mine, but His for sure.

One big thing I'm slowly learning (which again is really hard to describe) is to hear and discern the Lord's voice. If I'm not wrong, we all seem to struggle with this at some point or another. The questions in your mind go something like this: "Is that the Lord? Lord, I don't know if this is you. What if this is me and I just think it's You? I don't really think that you would say this Lord...I think this is just me. How do I KNOW if this speaking is from You or the enemy or my own thoughts? Lord!!!" And so we become really frustrated because we want to follow the Lord but we honestly have no idea what He's speaking. However, I'm learning a few things lately, through fellowship, through reading spiritual books and the Bible itself, through a few experiences that I can look back on and see the Lord's hand in, and even through current experiences and thoughts that run through my mind constantly. I've realized the Lord really is a God who hides Himself. (If any one reading this is interested, [although I know no one really reads this except you Joy haha, and you already read it] but if someone happens to, I really recommend reading a booklet by brother Witness Lee called "A God Who Hides Himself"). This wonderful God of ours often does not like to make a show out of Himself; He is very hidden and secretive but very hard at work in each of our lives. And it's just this way that He also speaks; His speaking is often so very secretive. In my experience, it often comes as thoughts in my mind, things that are almost random but they won't leave and that's when I find myself in such a struggle to discover if it's God's speaking or not. I found the story of Elijah to be a true encouragement (1 Kings 19: 9b-18). The Lord said "What are you doing here Elijah?" Elijah was in a cave, very upset because it seemed that everyone had forsaken the covenant of God and bowed down to idols; Elijah wanted Jehovah to fully manifest Himself. So, the Lord in His wisdom, gave Elijah a demonstration. As brother Lee describes it, quoting the Bible:
"There arose 'a great and strong wind.' Elijah thought: The Lord is in this! 'But the Lord was not in the wind.' Elijah thought: Surely the Lord is in this! 'But the Lord was not in the earthquake.' Then came a fire, and Elijah thought: The Lord is a consuming fire; He'll be in this! 'But the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire, a gentle, quiet voice' - and the Lord was in that!"
WOW! The Lord was not in these great manifestations, but He was is this whisper! This is my experience so many times and I just realize that I have to stop being afraid of making a mistake and misjudging the Lord's voice because if I miss the opportunity to follow His speaking I'm at a great loss; but I make the mistake to think it's the Lord and it's not, at least I'll know later and I can repent before the Lord like Peter did so many times and learn from my mistake. That's the worst that can happen, really.

Furthermore, Elijah had said to the Lord, "I, even I only, am left." But as the brother goes on to say, the Lord very gently answered, "There are seven thousand persons who have not bowed down to Baal." The Lord had been working all along and Elijah hadn't seen it! "So hidden was his activity, [that] not even the prophet Elijah knew anything about it." It's amazing to know that He's always hard at work even if He's not in these great manifestations we expect. I know I often want the Lord to just speak in a loud voice out of the sky and tell me exactly what to do, but then again what kind of faith would that require? The Lord wants me to believe and have faith in the feelings He gives me; He wants me to walk by faith and not by appearance; not by what looks "right" but by what I feel in my heart that He is telling me He wants. And once I go through with it, the very subtle peace He give is also a confirmation of His speaking (though this one too is hard to distinguish sometimes.) Figuring out what the Lord is saying and what His will is seems to take an entire lifetime to figure out I've realized, but that's okay. I guess that the point to which we are all striving for in maturity will be the same point where we will be able to fully recognize His voice all the time and carry out His speaking and will without hesitation or reservation because we will have fully experienced the sovereignty of the Almighty God.

O the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and untraceable His ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has become His councelor? Or who has first given to Him, and it will be repaid to Him? Because out from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen
Romans 11:33-36